I turn 36 today, and in celebration of being 18 years older than 18, I am writing my first ‘strictly above 18 ’ blog post. Statutory warning, this post has explicit content, and you may want to stop right here, if female sexuality is something you are not interested in, or are dismissive of it.
But, on second thought, if you are NOT interested in female, or any sort of sexuality, or are dismissive of it, that might be the best reason to read this article, because I was exactly like that most of my life.
As a doctor of Science, I understood the basic evolutionary importance of Sex, but as a hard core romantic, who binge watched Rom-Coms, I found the actual act underwhelming, and if put bluntly over hyped, and skewed to satisfy the men. Sex just seemed a marketing gimmick to sell Love to men.
As a productive, enthusiastic, creative , modern woman , I didn’t feel that I lacked anything, in fact if you look at the infographic here, the cocktail of human happiness hormones, sex is not even mentioned; I could get my fix of Dopamine, Oxytocin, Serotonin and mood enhancing Endorphins, by leading the same productive , enthusiastic, creative life,without sex ! Where does it say that women have to lead a sexually fulfilling life to lead a liberated and good life?
But, one day, and I distinctly remember it being mid February 2020 when I was physically fit, emotionally synced, and I was just living my best life, I thought of looking into an aspect of life that I hadn’t really paid attention to. Every month I would take up a ‘self improvement’ project of sorts, and it just so happened that from the month of March I would concentrate on my Vagina.
What started as a self exploration, went on to be the single most defining thing I did this year, and thus is this year’s birthday retrospect. Every year my birthday retrospect has been a type of autobiography of the most over arching feelings of that year, and if last year was all about ‘tired of living or lebensmude’, this year was finding the female orgasm (yes, in the middle of a Pandemic no less)
The reason why I chose to write about it here though, is because of the striking statistics about female orgasm , like only 8 % women can achieve orgasm through only penetration without clitoral stimulation, the fact that even with partnered heterosexual sex only 36 % women are able to achieve orgasm , while almost 95% men are able to do so . Meanwhile 86% of women in lesbian relationships can reach orgasm, opposed to 36% with men! What do these numbers suggest?
Now, interestingly, I knew these statistics, BEFORE I started on my journey. My answer was – So, what’s the big deal? Women can get their happiness from other things, like shopping and chocolate, in fact chocolate might just be better than sex. And also, sex is not everything in life.
I was so wrong!
First of all, when I finally had my first orgasmic experience, let me tell you it was nothing like chocolate. In that moment, I felt like every nerve ending had been fired, that my brain cells were ablaze, time literally stopped existing. It was Nirvana. Because how do we define Nirvana? A state where time stops existing, where you are not in the past or the future, but completely in the NOW, when you stop thinking, and only existing, a simple act of -BEING. Yes, orgasm is the closest one can reach nirvana.
Sounds too good to be true? I was as sceptical about it, until I experienced it myself, and I literally am the enlightened soul, who now wants to guide other women to this enlightenment, and so next up will be a detailed meandering journey that I myself took, to reach my destination ‘sexual nirvana’.
Getting out of your head and into your body: So, the number one thing to do is get out of your minds, thoughts, and start to feel. What most sex therapists say – get out of your head, and into your body. Most women subconsciously are thinking of house work, or how they are not looking good enough, or what the OTHER person is thinking, while trying to have sex. Multitasking will not work here. So stop overthinking to get out of your head.
Next up is getting into your body, feel the heightened senses; touch, feel, taste, sound,sight. For me aroma candles, hit the brief of smell, and the flickering lights created the atmosphere, and essential oils provided the feel, and particular music, helped me move into my body. Find what works for you, from chocolate, perfumes to lingerie… all easier said than done, for someone like me who has a lot of lists and plans at any point , switching off my mind and turning on my body was tough.
feminine energy ,masculine energy : Again a very difficult concept. So basically everyone has masculine and feminine energies. The Masculine energy is responsible for logical thinking, stability, capable, discipline, driven, responsible, all the things we need to be to be good at our job, as managers of the house, and at work. While the feminine energy is sensitive, creative, intuitive, kind and accepting. Needless to say, the feminist in me felt very triggered by my feminine. To live a life led by your divine feminine is tough, especially since the material capitalist world really acknowledges the masculine energy. There are a lot of wonderful people who guided me on understanding this, and there is so much knowledge, that it is beyond the scope of this blog post. But follow Jake Woodard on Instagram he also has a fantastic podcast the awake with Jake show which has so much value, @pvssyflowers is a wonderful feminine energy guide on Instagram, @josefinabashout teaches simple everyday practices to rekindle your feminine energy on instagram.
So, as I said, everyone has feminine and masculine energies, and as an example writing this article-my masculine energy has me grounded- it tells me, I got your back, I support you, I am your self worth, and this allows my feminine energy to go forth in the world to speak my truth, be vulnerable, and embrace any reaction or response to the article. The fact that my husband supports my wanton creative spirit, helps me blossom further.
And the same happens in any relationship of masculine and feminine, no matter what gender, every couple is a bond of a person who is more masculine and a person who identifies as the feminine. Maintaining this polarity in a relationship is key to attraction and bonding in partners.
So, for men reading this article, being or finding your inner masculine divine strength is what will help your woman open up, and have the best physical responses. Here is what toxic masculinity looks like – aggressive, confrontational, controlling, critical, abusive. Don’t be a toxic masculine. Make her feel valued and taken care of.
Hypnotherapy: I did try a few sessions of self hypnotherapy, there are quite a few on youtube, and spotify, and they can help you get out of your mind, and maybe unlock any past sexual wounds, or childhood shame or trauma, or just prejudices from years of social conditioning you might have around sexuality or your own body. I didn’t find much value in this, because I really didn’t have much trauma or shame, to begin with, but nevertheless it helps you relax into a meditative state. A good place to explore your fantasies as well.
Chakra healing: I think this was the most interesting, because I happened to start my sensual, and spiritual journey quite simultaneously. And I don’t know if they are two separate entities, but they both enhanced and complimented each other. I was able to tune into my body, much more easily than many who had been doing chakra meditation for years, and this allowed me to get in touch with my energies. With chakra meditation I was able to leave my mind and enter my body faster, and balancing my chakras helped me unlock my fun, fearless, feminine priestess.
Over time I realised that moving meditations like qi gong, helped me access my flowing feminine energy, and movements like tribal dancing or shamanic shaking or tapping, helped me to unlock the divine feminine.
Researching more and more about women, and women’s energies, and their powerful sexual force field, and the whole rewilding of women movement, made me discover the ancient power of Kundalini as well as witchcraft and crystal therapy, and auras, and pranic healing. Basically women can harness tremendous energy sources, and the secret does lie in their sensuality.
And it isn’t just the chakras, women are affected by the moon cycle. And because of my heightened awareness of the weather, the atmosphere, I did feel the pull and crash of waves of sensation during the full moon. Full moon is a very powerful time for many occurrences, but sexually what does it mean? Well it means you can have the most amazing full body orgasms, and be in your highest state of sensations, if you are clued in.
Masturbation: Ladies, I can go on and on about the theory, but at some point, you will have tolook at your vaginas, and touch yourself. Believe it or not, I used to find this the most boring and tedious activity. Until I literally had to take Kim Anami’s challenge from her podcast ‘orgasmic enlightenment’, where she asks everyone to do a 30 days masturbation challenge. This is what I did all of March. and like everything else in my life, I really applied myself to it; I bought toys and lubes, and dedicated atleast 40 minutes each day to self love. What started as a 30 day challenge, has lasted over 6 months now,and well, just as Kim said, practice makes it easier. One advice, if you don’t already have a magic wand, a dildo or a vibrator, get one. Masturbation is not just for single ladies, women when you get super comfortable in your own body, when you start to find and discover what your erogenous spots are, it’s going to make partnered sex all the less awkward, and more enjoyable. When you find your own pleasure, your self-worth, and self-love will sky rocket. Trust me, you will glow. I invite you to fall in love with yourself, believe me, it might be the single most cathartic thing you will do for yourself.
Tantra: As I said, in my exploration over the last 6-7 months on this topic, nothing was taboo, and nothing was too out there. Yes, I might have been like Alice, going down the proverbial rabbit hole, but whichever direction my online searches led me, I went. And Tantra was a real mind and body connect, and especially transformative in coupled sex. The amount of eye gazing, deep breathing, and mindful foreplay that Tantric, or sacred sex requires, is very different from what men watch in their porn. And if you are reading this article, may I suggest a few youtube videos to start you off. Layla Martin is such a enthusiastic youtube teacher, and along with her husband, she helps you realise that there is more to sex than -wham, bam, thankyou ma’am.
I could go on and on, about all the different things I learnt in these overarching 6-7 months of self exploration, and I hope someday I have a TED talk. We can continue more discussions in the comment section below.
The reason why I decided to write about this, is because when I first decided to embark on this journey, I thought of asking my closest family and friends, what their experiences around sex were, and literally all of them said they had extremely satisfying, completely evolved sex lives, and would orgasm effortlessly.
And so, I started this journey alone, thinking I was different. But, it was soon, in my research I learnt, that I was not in fact, alone, I was the majority of women! Women who live evolved full lives, but who are just too tired and caught up in everyday life to care about their orgasms or their libido.
Well here are a few more facts which might help motivate you; unlike men, women in fact are energised post sex, the amount of feel good hormones released in women is much more than men, so while most men want to sleep post coitus, women want to take on the world, or at least go for round two. On average a woman’s orgasm lasts 2-3 times longer than a man’s orgasm. While men can achieve only a single orgasm, women can in fact ebb and flow, and have multiple orgasms, each one a little more powerful than the first, and the maximum noted limit is 15 orgasms in a single session!
So, basically women can have as well as longer lasting orgasms,and multiple orgasms, and yet, most women worldwide have less orgasms than men! How skewed is this !?
One of my male friends, did tell me that science and evolution per se does not need a woman to reach orgasm for the species to propagate, and that is true; that while men’s orgasms are linked to their ejaculation, women technically need not ever reach orgasm to bear babies. But, that’s ok ladies- did you know a lot of the things we do to activate our feminine energy is pretty pointless aswell; think creating art, or dancing, or laughing, or wearing makeup and dressing pretty – pleasure is its own purpose. So, what is the evolutionary purpose of a woman’s orgasm – well it is pleasure. (I really liked this line PLEASURE IS ITS OWN PURPOSE, I could patent it , and have tshirt quotes😊)
Another few facts which might help edge you into trying this self exploration journey- did you know that there are 8000 nerve endings on a woman’s clitoris, why are they there if not for the sole purpose of being activated? And finally, my favourite research, women above 36 have the most frequent orgasms and the most satisfying sex lives. 36, yes, the research kind of was spot on, don’t you think, its not our teens, or twenties, it is our late thirties that we finally arrive.
So, for the last 6-7 months, I have been more vocal about the feminine energy and women’s sensuality and sexual satisfaction, and I finally realised, I am not alone. More and more women, opened up to me. They had children, were happily married, some even the most beautiful women I knew, and they said that they had few, and some said they had never orgasmed. And that’s why I wrote this , because when I stepped out of my own comfort zone, I met a whole tribe of women.
And I hope this article sparks something in you, so that you can have this conversation with YOURSELF first, that you can explore, accept, experiment and experience yourself first.
And then I hope you have the courage to have this conversation with your partner, and finally I hope you step out and have this conversation with your ladies groups, and your women tribe.
And I hope it opens the flood gates of emotions within you, and you swirl in ecstasy, and marvel at the glorious creation, that is you. You are going to glow, and sparkle in your own light.
… BONUS (thankyou for reading thus far)
While it took me a long time to meander into this path, I am sharing a few podacsts, youtubers and blog posts that should help jumpstart your own journey.
Layla Martin : Her enthusiasm and her clear joy in finding her sensuality is really infectious. She also has wonderful tips on self exploration.
Nadia Bokody: she talks about the sleaziest, most shocking things, in the most non confrontational, accepting manner. Everything from how to masturbate, to what sex toy to buy, she is your girl.
The Mystery Box show : a stand up show, where real people share their sexual experiences, it’s funny, and real, and raw, and will make you feel less alienated, and more accepting of yourself.
Candice Oneida: She speaks all about feminine energy, and has such practical and powerful tips to becoming feminine, and one of the few youtubers, who does not make my inner feminist cringe, when she asks me to dive into my divine Goddess sensuality.
Guys : for the men in your life, ladies please suggest them the youtube channel Sexual Mastery, as well as Layla Martins, and to hone their own divine Masculine energy.
How cum : Remy Kassmir, a 28 year old new yorker, had never orgasmed, and decided to take it up heads on in this insightful podcast series. I first heard about it on the Netflix show ‘Explained’ season 1 episode 5, where they explain the female orgasm.
Bad girls bible : This podcast by Sean Jameson is really academic and frankly long and boring, but he deals with the most kink filled topics, you wanted to know about, but didn’t know who to ask, from 12 techniques to BJ, to dirty talking, he makes every topic sound like dinner table conversation.
Orgasmic enlightenment : Kim Anami, transmits such enthusiasm and sensuality in her voice, that you really do feel, that it is worth your time and energy to get down and dirty with yourself.
The awake with Jake show : He speaks so much sense, and frankly, it is only when you feel deeply aligned in your masculine and feminine energies. As well as rooted through your chakras, that you will really reach your ultimate pleasures.
Imagine: you feel safe, and secure in your body, feel creatively inspired, feel that your personal value is being acknowledged, and you are able to loving accept yourself and others, also able to speak your truth, and vocalise your needs, along with able to connect with your intuition, and what you feel your body and soul needs to feel fulfilled- yes, that is what it feels like to be aligned in your chakras, and in such a state, sensual pleasures are deeply soul-stirringly satisfying.
I could probably go on, and on, and someday I might have my own TED talk on my own journey, or maybe open my own Ashram of priestess-hood, who knows, but my blog ends here, where I hope, your own journey begins. If you do try any of these in your life, do let me know, it will bring me great joy, knowing that I sparked change or conversations in some way.